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Mortimer the Cat

Mortimer the Cat
by Pirate Bob and the pizard

One day, while contemplating the futility of life, Mortimer the Cat decided he needed to change his life. He could no longer be a burden upon society....

...he wanted to do something meaningful, something helpful, like building a house out of tofu, or even better, out of used dental floss...but these things had been done and done over, so he thought he would take a walk to think about what he might do...

...While passing an orphange he noticed some boys crying. Mortimer was an intelligent cat and since he had learned English he asked them why they were crying. "We're crying because our toys melted and we don't have any money to buy new ones." said the smallest orphan....

mortimer paused for a minute, then said "well i would make you houses out of tofu or floss but that has been done, so here's what i'll do."

"oh thank you, thank you" the orphans said, even though mortimer had not yet said what he would do. however this was enough to cheer them up, just knowing that someone cared about them. so mortimer, feeling good about himself, continued down the street...

Mortimer decided at that moment that this would be his goal. To make people happy. He didn't need to do anything for them, just make them forget their troubles long enough to be happy. Mortimer passed a wealthy man without any shoes throwing eggs at cars....

"why are you doing that, mister?" mortimer asked.

"i can do whatever i want i am wealthy. go away"

"i bet it is hard being wealthy, a lot of responsibility, eh"

"i said go away, stupid cat"

then the man took off his pants and his coat and tore them into little pieces, then ate them. then he set fire to his own hair and said "i'm a nice shady tree"...

mortimer felt that he had made this man happy, so he continued down the street, until he came across his own left foot....

He had lost the foot several years earlier in a freak furball accident.

"Oh, no." screamed the foot, for it had gained self-awareness, "You found me." The foot ran away towards Mexico. Mortimer decided that if his quest were to continue he must have his foot back. And so he set off after it.

..but the foot was tricky, you see while it was away it had studied ancient ninja tactics, and when it did not want to be found, it pretty much could not be found. mortimer tried to follow it, but it did not really want to be found...mortimer thought "it is my foot. i should be able to track it down." he then remembered his run-in with the orphans...

"they will help me," he thought. but only for a few seconds, since he saw that the foot had fallen into a hole, as it had no eyes and could not see where it was going.

The foot was madly running into the wall of the hole, falling down and running into the wall. Mortimer saw this sight and started laughing so hard he had to lay down. The foot, not liking to be laughed at, pulled out his cellular phone and called his crafty ninja death squad.

oh, mortimer was in trouble now. he knew he'd need weapons, so he fasioned a crude mallet out of some grass and twigs and mud, then, feeling confident, he told his foot "ha ha, i'm ready for you and your ninjas. ha ha." but just then...

The sky grew black and the ground began to shake. From the soil rose three figures dressed in black robes. Their faces were pale and their long black hair billowed in the wind....

then, that wealthy man remember him, well anyway he came running up, head still on fire, and yelled as loud as he could, "CONSUMER SUPPORT!" and repeated that many times. this distracted the ninjas long enough for them to kill mortimer. the end

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