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the walrus

the walrus
by Pirate bob, Hieronymus, and the pizard

Thrice upon a time...there was a little (well actually rather large) alrus named Adolph. He had a hopeless aspiration to become a ballet dancer. But seeing as how he lived in the forzen North and had no legs, it seemed illogical..

however, there were 3 doogooders who lived in a nearby cave named hilda, brunda, and guilina...having been chased away from their homeland because they were thought to be witches after a pink mongoose appeared in the village center, they wanted to help the poor walrus.

hilda> lets eat him

brinda> lets eat him

guilina> yes lets eat him

but being the stupid women they were, they forgot about eating him and thought that they had just agreed to help him. so they set out to...

to first find him some mechanical legs or some such so that he could move about properly...so they decided to fashion some crude legs out of ice...when they showed the "legs" to adolph he just sighed and said "but they are made of ice...they will melt if i leave the arctic...oh i'll just cry. thanks alot."

so the three sisters used their ice picks and cut up the legs to make margaritas. Unfortunately they got carried away and seperated the ice that Adolph was sitting on fom the rest of the glacier. Adolph slowly floated away from the home he had known all of his life. The sisters continued their frantic ice-picking and soon sunk below the surface of the water. Adolph merely cried and cried...

but then he thought awww, fuck them, they were useless anyways, but the three sisters heard this and swam to his glacier and there was a bitter battle between teh four

"mmmm, uhhhhh, ehhhhh" (stound of them struggling)

but adolph was able to stab the three witches with the ice pick, and then started to cry even more, because he realized they were good withces and only wanted to help...it is therefore very fortunate and a happy coincidence that a horse robot named sally (who was no less a man robot) flew down by means of the aid of magical pixie gnomes, and asked

"alas sad legless wlarus in the middle of the ocean, why do you cry so"
"because i want to dance"
"oh, we can help.."

"but what can you do to help me? oh i know! you're going to transform me into a beautiful and athletic woman right?"

"well" said the robot and the pixie gnomes, "no but we can do something better...we will trick your senses to make you think you are a ballet dancer, while in reality you are still a fat walrus"

"how do you figure that that is better..."

"be quiet you are dancing now"

A cloud drifeted over Adolph's mind and the grey horizon of The Artic faded..in it's place Adolph could see the footlights and faint silhouettes of a theater. Adolph sighed, "Sigh...I am a dancer" Adoph twirled and whirled. But hit and icy patch and slipped of the ice into the water.

yet he didn't believe that he was a big fat legess walrus who had just slipped but a graceful dancer entering an underwater type musical...well this scene revolted all those who were responsible and tehy all blamed each other and kept turning each other into various mutant fruit organisms, when the pinaanpale with three eyes, suddnely said "hey man, this has to end."

"yes insteead of fighting we should be feasting on the walrus"

yess lets eat him

however, they were not able to eat him because just hten,....

just then the horse robot ate him all by himself, which was very selfish of him but that is really inconsequential at this point isn't it? of course the robot had no digestive organs, and ate the walrus whole, so it was not really eating, but rather enclosing...yes the horse robot had enclosed the walrus inside his huge belly. the robot started to gallup away but...

...The walrus still dancing (only now inside of the horse robot) began to spin and spin and spin and spin and spin and spin and (well you get the point). The horses stomach (or robot like approximation) become more and more twisted as the walrus spun. Until the walrus had literally spun upon himself creating a temporal warp within the horse's stomach.

the walrus later awoke to find himself in a magical place, one where walruses of all shapes and sizes would dance ballet all day, and all night they would play poker of course, because what else do walruses do? i don't know i'm not the expert on walruses. well adolph likes this place but soon tired of it and decided he would be the only walrus NOT to dance, to set him apart from everyone else, but this was against some unspoken rule so the rest of the walruses killed him in his sleep

the end

piz >> I do not like that ending..I shall end it..

Adolph's soul was in limbo. And so could not go to walrus heaven. So Adolph, the limbo-bound walrus sat down on a cloud and thought and thought, then sneezed, then thought... till he decided to hell with this and that is where he went. And to this day the walrus's do not dance to honor adolph's memory. Or that is what the facist regime would have you belive!