The latest hick-hit from Slowly the Ghost Records:

The Hickest of pltoktijtuhtygt
Volume 1

Mastered from the year 2000 radio show tapes of
March 14 . May 28 . June 3, 11, & 18 . July 30 . August 13 & 20 . September 3 . October 6 & 8
Hear what new material Plate & Dr. Rectangle are churning out LIVE on their radio show.

Stay tuned for Volume 934782822!

1. Dung on My Boots 6/3
2. Lost in a Field 5/28
3. Hicks Beat Up City Folk 8/13
4. K.K.K.K.K.K. 5/28
5. Summer Lovin' 10/6 & 8
6. The Bean Crop is Dead 5/28
7. 7' Tall with My Boots 8/20
8. This Ain't a Hick Song 5/28
9. Pickin' the Nostrils of the Cows 5/28
10. Used To Be My Job Rap 8/20
11. Beef Jerky Quilt 6/3
12. Robots Killin' the Animals 8/20
13. Porcupine Bladders 3/14
14. I Love Pooping with the Animals 9/3 FOLLOW THIS LINK TO ACCESS THE AUDIO FILE BELOW
15. Why Can't They Share the Farm? 6/18
16. Cow Givin' Birth 6/3
17. Laser Gun 6/3
18. Takin' My Tractor Out on the Open Road 6/1
19. Hick March 5/28
20. Washin' Tub 10/8
21. Hicks in Space 7/30
22. Milk Cows in the Nude 5/28
23. Straw 6/11
24. Pumpkins & Squash 7/30
25. Stu's Horns 3/21

      Barn Jones 'N Hay Trilogy:
26. My Favorite Band at the Square Dance 8/13
27. They Sold Out 8/13
28. Came to Know God 8/13

29. Hick Computer 8/13
30. Them Pigs is Angry at You 8/20
31. Waitin' in Line for the Outhouse 9/3
32. Cereal 10/8


1. Dung on My Boots 6/3

I got lotsa dung on my boots
I got lotsa dung on my boots
I told Momma Robinson I'm comin' into the kitchen
I'm comin' in the kitchen with lotsa dung on my boots
Miss Momma Robinson, she ran and got her gun
She said, "You ain't comin' in the kitchen with dung all over your boots.
You, sir, ain't comin' into my kitchen with dung on your boots.
Wipe your boots in this pot o' food we're gonna eat tonight.
Why dontcha do us a favor in the Robinson family
And wipe that dung off your boots?
Wipe that du-huh-hung into our food!"


2. Lost in a Field
5/28

I'm a hick and I'm all lost in the field
I'm lost in a field
The tractor broke down
I'm lost in the field
We got a lot of acres
We got a lot of acres
We got a lot of acres on the farm
I'm lost in the field
Which way does the sun go?
I can't remember if it sets in the northwest or the south
Where is the sun?
I don't know the stars
I'm lost in the field
The corn's so high, I can't even see my feet
I'm lost in the field
I'm just a hick
I shoulda made a map
I'm lost in a field
Started walkin' away from the,
Started walkin' away from the tractor
Now I'm lost in the field
I ain't finding my way home
Gotta find my way to my Bossy
Bossy the cow misses me
I'm lost in a field


3. Hicks Beat Up City Folk 8/13

We're th' big bad hicks
An' we're gonna beat you up, you city folk!
Your Rural Urbanization Program... RUP's done us bad!
RUP's done us bad! RUP's done is in!
RUP took away my pig!
We're comin'
We've got our .22s
We're gonna shootcha, you city folk!
You bad RUP men, you're going down!
You're gonna eat hay
I'm gonna put it in your mouth
You're gonna choke!
RUP is bad, RUP is bad, y'all, all y'all goin' down!
Hicks are takin' over the world
We're gonna plant corn in New York City again
We're gonna kill the RUP men
We're gonna kill 'em dead
They're gonna be dead
We're not givin' 'em no porridge
WE're not givin' 'em fresh milk and eggs and bacon
They're gonna starve
They're gonna... eat their words
They're gonna... eat my boot
They're gonna... eat some pig even if they are Hindu
They are bad RUP men, an' the hicks are takin' over
We're takin' over the city


4. K.K.K.K.K.K. 5/28

'Cause I'll keep singin'
Even if I ern't oughta brain
K?
K.
K.K.K.K.K.K.
K.K.K.K.K.K.
I ain't racist when I say K.K.K.K.
I ain't a racist when I say K.K.K.K.
What I mean is okay baby
And I, and I ask ol' Gramma Jones
And I eat all the porridge she makes even though I get sick and throw up in the hay!
I ain't a racist when I say K.K.K.K.
I ain't a racist, no sir
I ain't a racist when I say K.K.K.K.K.K.
When I say that I mean, okay I will snap them beans with Momma Jones
That's right I'll snap them beans even though they hurt my hands!
We don't use growth hormone on them cows
We don't use genetic engineerin' when we're snappin' them beans
I don't know why the beans are so hard to snap
When I say K.K.K.K.K.K.
I ain't a racist no sir
When I say K.K.
it means okay
I think I'll, I'll, I'll pick up them chicken turds
Ohhhohhh they're everywhere!
When I say K.K.K.K.
I, I ain't a racist no sir
When I say K.K.K.K.
Aaah!!


5. Summer Lovin' 10/6 & 8

Hey, that sounds good
Summer lovin', had me a blast
Summer lovin', a pain in the ass
Summer lovin', I lost my car
Summer lovin', I came upon a farm
And there, there, there were cows
Tell me more...
There were pigs
Tell me more...
Oink, oink, oink...
Summer lovin, on the farm
Summer lovin', can't do none harm
I love, I love you
Even though you are a cow
And I am not a pig
Moo!
Summer lovin', out on the ranch
I don't know what rhymes with ranch
I like lots of hay
Summer lovin' on the farm can't do harm
And everyone'll tell you more
Tell me more, tell me more
I gotta porch
Tell me more, tell me more
We got hominy grits
Tell me more, tell me more
I gotta rockin' chair for two
Tell me more, tell me more
But it only fits me and you, if you're a pig
Oink, oink, oink...


6. The Bean Crop is Dead 5/28

Ohh-ho, the bean crop is dead
Ohh-ho, the bean crop is dead
Tornady came into my plot o' land
Ripped up my beans
What to do?
Ohh-ho, bean crop is dead
Ohh-ho, bean crop is dead
Tornady came
Ripped out them roo-hoo-hoo-hoots...
The bean crop is dead
It ain't no fun to have no beans
Aahh!
Ain't no fun
Without my beans
The dirt is blern...
The bean crop is dead
Tornady came and took away my beans
Tornady... Tornady came an' took away my beans


7. 7' Tall with My Boots 8/20

This hick means business
I got on a big hat
That makes me 6' tall
Got on my boots
The heels on them make me 7' tall
An' that's without my big hat, so that makes me, uh... uh...
Really tall! Really scary!
Gonna take the RUP man down
I gonna squish 'im under my heel of my big boot
That makes me 7' tall, without my hat
With my hat, I'd be, uh...
I'm wearin' both my hat and my boots
My boots make me 7' tall
And my hat alone makes me 6' tall
An', uh, since I'm wearin' them both,
I'm gonna have a really scared RUP man under my heel
That RUP man's gonna be sad he ever brought them robots to the ranch
Put me out of my job, but I still got my hat and my big boots
My boots make me 7' tall by themselves
They got real big RUP-man-stompin' heels on them...


8. This Ain't a Hick Song 5/28

That ain't a hick song, is it?
I don't know what funk is
I have to sing to whatever you play
Even if it's funky
This ain't a hick song
This ain't a hick song
Ain't a hick song
Been fightin' with Billybob my guitarist
This ain't a hick song
It ain't a hick song
He's wearin' overalls an'—
Where'd you learn that, Billybob?
This ain't a hick song
This ain't a hick song, Billybob
Gotta spend some time in the fields, Billybob
Where you been learnin' them fancy guitar-playin' ways?


9. Pickin' the Nostrils of the Cows 5/28

I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready
I been pickin' the nostrils of the cows
Tonight
I been pickin' the nostrils of cows
Every night
Gonna make a stew with what I found in the nostrils of the cows
For the past 15 nights
Gonna make a stew
Gonna feed it to the mean RUP men
I don't like it when the animals get too much smarter than me
I don't like it when the mean RUP men come and take my farm away
They put electricity bulbs in every room including the barn and the loft
And the cows they started a-readin' and then
They know about things I doan' unnerstan'
They know about car maintenance an' thangs
Gonna go to the city, them cows gonna run away with the pigs
They're gonna go to the city an' make a livin' doin' computer repair
I don't like the RUP men
Gonna feed 'em booger stew
Pick the boogers from the horses
The horses don't read none
'Cause the stable didn't get none of them fancy bulbs
So they didn't start learning and start learning more than I know
Which ain't a lot
I can't tell


10. Used To Be My Job Rap 8/20

Gotta kill some animals today
I love them
That's my job
Used to be my job 'fore the RUP man came
Used to be my job 'fore the RUP man came
Used to be my job 'fore the RUP man came
Now I'm livin' in the city
Used to be my job to kill them animals
Now I live in the city and I rap real bad 'cause I'm a hick
I wanna get my banjo out but I had to pawn it in the city
Because I lost my money at the casino
I used to kill the animals
Now the RUP men do
The RUP men's bots in the barn
They kill the animals
Used to be my job
I used to do it
I used to kill them animals
I love those animals
I used to kill 'em—that was my job
That's what I did on the Henderson Ranch there
I was there for 17 years as their ranch-hand
Then the RUP men came and they took away my right to kill the animals
I love them animals
I love to kill them animals
All the horses and cows and pigs and chickens
Now I live in the city and I try to rap for money on the street corner
'Cause I lost my money at the casino
I love a rap about killin' them animals
That's my job!
That used to be my #1 job
I used to kill them animals
I love them animals
But now I'm in the city, unemployed 'cause of the RUP man
And the big mean bots who took over my right to kill them animals in the barn!


11. Beef Jerky Quilt 6/3

Alright I'm ready
I got the lyrics
That song that you were just playing
We're making a quilt
We're sewin' together beef jerky
We're making a beef jerky quilt
We're making our beef jerky quilt
For the county fair in Hanover County, West Virginy
Beef jerky quilt
We're sewin' together the teriyaki beef jerky
We're sewin' together the cracked pepper beef jerky
Beef jerky quilt
Beef jerky quilt
County fair
We're gonna win it
We're gonna win in the "Beef Jerky Quilt" category


12. Robots Killin' the Animals 8/20

Now them cows, they're gettin' killed without me there
Now they're... makin' the bacon
They're killin' them pigs with the robots
That used to be my job:
To kill the animals on the farm
It used to be my... my... my... occupation
That there was my job
I used to kill the cows and the pigs
I kill them chickens and I gather the eggs
But now the robots with the cold metal hands
They reach out and stab them
I used to kill them myself
That there was my job
I used to kill the animals at the farm
Oh-ohhh...


13. Porcupine Bladders 3/14

Can't go wrong if you're singin' a hick song
Can't help but sing to a song that goes like this
Even if it's about porcupine bladders
Oh lordy me
Song about porcupine bladders
You know
Likes to have them with the frycakes
Eat 'em with cornbread and use 'em for an anema
For the llama in the backyard
Feed them porcupine bladders
Watch out for their sticky needles though
They'll poke you
It'll go right through your boot
Porcupine bladders
Oh my
String 'em up in the tree-hee-ee
More sticky than a bee
Watch out for them when they stab you in the boot
You'll be sorry you don't have a raccoon


14. I Love Pooping with the Animals 9/3

Yep, yep, I love to poop
Poop in the barn with all of them animals
Love the chicken poop
Love the donkey poop
Love the cow poop
Love the mule poop
Love the horse poop
Love the geese poop
Love the hick poop
I poop in the hay with the animals
I don't care none at all
They are the animals
They all poop in the barn
I join them
Why do I bother,
Why should I bother going into the farmhouse to use the toilet
When I can poop with the animals?
I can poop with the animals
I can poop with the rooster
I can poop with the horses
I can poop with the cattle
I can poop with the donkey
I can poop with the donkey
I hope them pigs ain't mad at me for not singin' 'bout how I poop with them
I poop with the swine
I go, "Sue-EEE," and I take a poop with...
I take a poop with the swine
I love takin' poops with the pigs
They love it too
And they roll in theirs
And they roll in mine
And they roll in theirs and mine too
I love them pigs and the poop in the barn with the poop
And I love poopin' with the animals
Ohhh-ohhh, yes I do
Love to take a poo
With the animals


15. Why Can't They Share the Farm? 6/18

My farm, my pigs, pigs, cows, pigs, cows, my farm...
We're having a problem in my family
Everyone wants someone else to die
Everyone is fightin' for the property
Everyone wants me to die
They all want me to give them the barn and my farm when I'm dead
Why can't they share the pigs?
Why can't they share the cows?
Ohh, why?
'Cause everyone's fightin' over my livestock
Why does everyone want me to die?
Why's everyone try to shoot me with a big gun an'...?
I might have to leave and go to the city
My farm, my farm, my farm...


16. Cow Givin' Birth 6/3

I gotta cow who's givin' birth tonight
I gotta cow—she ain't feelin' raight
My cow's giving birth to a calf—
Maybe one cow, maybe one calf-and-a-half
She's a-pushin' and a-heavin' in the grass
And soon a calf is gonna come outta her ass
I gotta cow that's givin' birth toni-uh-high'
I don't know how that cow might feel
But soon that calf's gonna be my veal
I gotta cow that's givin' birth tonight on the farm
Gotta cow that's givin' birth
Gotta cow that's givin' birth
Gotta cow that's givin' birth
Gotta cow that's givin' birth
I can't help but wonder how she must feel
When that calf gets turned into some veal
The mean RUP man's gonna eat it
The mean RUP man's gonna eat that veal that came out of the cow's ass
Mean, moo, mean RUP, man
Mean RUP man


17. Laser Gun 6/3

That's cool—it looked like I got shot!
Shoot me! Shoot me!
When I get a laser gun, everyone'll be sorryyyyy...
They ain't got 'em at Wal-Mart yet, but I'll tell you what I'm gonna get—
I'm gonna get a laser gun!!
A laser gun, the green or the red
Wally will be happy when I gotta laser gun
Because when I gotta laser gun,
I'm gonna be able to call him hon'
Wally is my hon', Wally is my hon', when I gotta laser gun
I'm gonna take that boy hostage and take the big boxes down
We're gonna get everyone in the world who works for Wal-Mart
To give up the cart-pushin' and the stock-shootin'
And the jigga-bottin' and the beatin'-dottin' and the HUH, HUH, HUH
I'm gonna get a laser gun and taking over the world
It's a plot for world domination
Dontcha want the, why dontcha, why dontcha, why dontcha, why dontcha
Why dontcha join the hick revolution?
Why dontcha join the hick revolution with a laser gun?
Either the green or the red, we'll take either kind
Let's band together—you, me, all my hick friends
Let's take them down
Wal-Mart, you're going down


18. Takin' My Tractor Out on the Open Road 6/1

Hey, Bill
Hi, Joe
Gotta lil' song about my tractor
Really, Bill?
Yeah, Steve
Gotta lil' song about my tractor
Takin' my tractor out on the open road
Gotta stay on the shoulder
Let all those fast city folks in their red-hot cars pass me
But I'm takin' my tractor out on the open road
Got my bright triangle
So no one'll hit me
Takin' my tractor out on the open road of black asphalt
Takin' my tractor out on the open, open road
Gotta leave the country
RUP men convinced me
Rural Urbanization Project gonna make me take my tractor
Gonna drive it on the highway
Gotta leave the countryside
Ain't gonna come back to the barn
No, not this farm
Takin' my tractor to a city like Chicagy
Gonna make a livin'
Mowing all the suburban yards
With my tractor


19. Hick March 5/28

Hick song that'll never end
Hick songs that never end
Hick songs are like a big ol' wad o' chew
Gonna, gotta, gotta chew


20. Washin' Tub 10/8

Well I got me a big washin' tub
Made o' some kind of dented metal
Behind the barn
I got me the most fancy washing board
That this county's ever seen
They ain't seen none this fancy
I'm doing the wash
Just like 27 pairs o' overalls
Ain't got none of them Ropers
Them Roper Jeans, those're for the kids who go to high school for the learnin'
We ain't got no learnin' here
I'm just doing the wash o' 27 overalls
My family don't have no shirts
One time Granny Franks, she tried to sew us a fancy shirt
Like them city folk have
But poor ol' Grammy, she can't count none
She only gave the shirt two holes
She fergot all 'bout them, them, them arms we got
I'm a farm-hand, you know
Part-time anyway
If you're a farm-hand, you need some sleeves in them, in them shirts
So we just gave up on that
I'm just washin' behind the barn
Them 27 pairs o' overalls
It don't hurt none
My hands are real tough
I'm been workin' here for, oh, so long
I don't need no shirts, no sir, no


21. Hicks in Space 7/30

Oh, hicks in space!
Oh my!
When they sent me up in the spaceship,
I was wearin' the bubble-headed suit
They told me that my cowboy hat would float away
'Cause I had it on top of the bubble on my head
Luckily I got some butter 'n' eggs
That's powdered and they mix it up and feed me through a straw
I was chewing on hay when they put me in orbit around the earth
An' I lost my piece of grass
It floated away and so did my hat
Then I went hurling into the sun
'Cause I want the energy to help my crops at home!
Then there was a crash landing in the 'cific Ocean
I never saw so much water—I wanted to irrigate my farm with it!
Kinda salty though
Kinda like beef jerky
Kinda like bacon


22. Milk Cows in the Nude 5/28

It's tradition in my family
To milk the cows in the nude
It's tradition in my family
We gotta milk them cows in the nude
I like milkin' them cows
While I is nude
We gotta milk them cows
While we're not wearing clothes
Leave your bib overalls
Hanging on the barn door
Hanging on the fence made of poo
We like to milk them cows in the nude
It's tradition in our family
It is tradition
In the nude
We gotta milky complexion
We are pretty darn hot—
For hicks!
We got the rednecks' hicks for the milky complexion, you know?
We like to milk them cows in the nude
We do
And the cows go moo and we're in the nude
And the cows go doo and I eat their poo


23. Straw 6/11

Who ever invented straws?
Who ever invented them anyway?
Who ever invented straws
An' decided to name 'em that way?
Well, they deserve to die in my opinion
It gives hicks a bad name
Hicks know 'bout straws that's real and grows outta the earth
Who ever invented straws?
They oughta die
I don't sip outta drinks with a straw
The kind made o' plastic's not good for us at all
Who ever invented straws
Is gonna get killed by a hick like me
Who ever invented straws
Is gonna hafta lay over my knee
And let me spank 'em real hard
With a whole haystack of straw
Real straw is better
Just ask the cows
Just ask my Mama—she knows as well
Who ever invented straw, decided t' name it so
They're gonna hafta die and get sowed into the earth
Fertilizer, you know


24. Pumpkins & Squash 7/30

You've been listening to pltoktijtuhtygt with your hosts Plate and Dr. Rectangle
We're handed it over though
It's not really Plate and Dr. Rectangle—it's Hick Plate and Hick Rectangle!
Yeahhh...
We's got the radio all to ourselves
We hijacked the station with a big cow
We's got the radio all to ourselves
Gonna sell pumpkins and squash to everyone listenin'
Come on down the dirt road here, an' take a left and then take a right,
And then go past two barns, an' then take a left and then take a right
An' you know you're gonna see this big purple cow and you gotta take a right again
An' then you take a left and there's no mailbox
And when you see no mailbox, you gotta take a right
And that'll be where you should buy our pumpkins and squash
'Cause we're Hick Plate and Hick Rectangle and we've taken over your radio station
Just so's that we can officially fool, uh, sell, fool, sell, fool,
Try to sell all've our pumpkins and squash
So just remember, when you don't see a mailbox, then you gotta take a right


25. Stu's Horns 3/21

What's a hick name?
My name is Stu
And I got longhorn cattle horns
They're on my rockin' chair on my porch at Orchard Glen
My name is Stu
And I like to put longhorn cattle horns on ever'than'
I think they're mighty purdy
I have one on my pick-up
I have one on the kitchen table
I keep my salt 'n pepper shakers on it
I got one—actually a pair,
A pair means that I got two, I got two of 'em
I got two on the bathtub
For the, uh, shampooey and the, uh, th' other thing, condit'ner
My name is Stu
And I got longhorn cattle horns on everything
I got some on my boots
Sometimes I walk around and reap the wheat with 'em
'Cause they work like tools
I like to put horns on everythang
One time a rude city folk came to my ranch and said,
He said, "You're a horny kinda guy, aintcha?"
And I said, "Whuh? I doan' unnerstan' what you mean!"
He just laughed and left
I still ain't figgered out what he means
But I know he meant something mean
I don't know what it means but I know it was something mean
My name is Stu
And I put long cattle horn on everythang
If we got a dog, I'd put it on the dog bowl

      Barn Jones 'N Hay Trilogy:
26. My Favorite Band at the Square Dance 8/13

Barn Jones 'N Hay: that's all I need t' hear
Barn Jones 'N Hayyy...
Barn Jones 'N Hay, they are the band that plays in my barn
They sing a song for my cow
They sing a song for the rooster
Barn Jones 'N Hay
They sing about things that concern us as hicks
They sing
About pigs
They serenade the pigs
Barn Jones 'N Hay are my favorite band
My favorite band to play at the square dance
Barn Jones 'N Hay, they wear the bib overalls
And they eat lots of hay
They got their pitchforks
They play banjo
They sing to the pigs
They sing to the pigs and to the horses
Barn Jones 'N Hay
They're my favorite to be at the square dance tonight
My favorite band, Barn Jones 'N Hay
Oh-ohhh, Barn Jones 'N Hay
Barn Jones 'N Hay, singin' at the square dance
To the pigs
Singin' to the fat woman who lives next door

27. They Sold Out 8/13

Then Barn Jones 'N Hay, they sold out
They started playing in arenas instead of just in the barns
They went to Chicagy and they went to New York City
And they sold out
They started playing stadiums instead of square dances
Barn Jones 'N Hay, they were as big as Bon Jovi
Their overalls—oh, they signed a girl's butt
Their overalls became popular, and The Gap started carrying pitchforks
Everyone wandered around with pitchforks
Everybody gotta go to the mall, get their triple-CD,
Get the t-shirt with the overall straps that are silkscreened on
When they sold out

28. Came to Know God 8/13

Then Barn Jones 'N Hay, they came to know God
The Christian God took them away from material wealth and superstardom
It weren't that bad after all, nope, they loved to love God,
And God learned to love them
And they gave up stadiums, arena tours, an' all the European stuff
Ticketmaster was so sad when Barn Jones 'N Hay said,
"No way! We're gettin' out! We're gettin' out of the big business!
We've come to know God!
We're going back to the farm
We're gonna make a cross-house
We're gonna make a cross outta hay and dead cow bones
And eggshells from the chickens
We've come to know God
Our pitchforks are bent into crosses
And we love the Virgin Mary
Jesus was born in a barn, so we love Him
And Jesus Christ, He loves us too
We've come to know God
We love religion
We won't be doing anymore Ticketmaster..."
Barn Jones 'N Hay broke their fans' hearts
'Cause Barn Jones 'N Hay, they learned to love God and hate fame
Barn Jones 'N Hay came to know God!
Religion took 'em away from their fans
Their millions of fans in the big cities
And no more CDs in the malls
No more Sam Goody, Musicland, Tower Records
No more BMI royalties
"We're gonna know the real royalty
In the clouds
With Jesus Christ and God!"


29. Hick Computer 8/13

Well, you know you shouldn't let a hick near a fancy computer
Otherwise, he might disconnect you from the In'ernet on accident
You know a hick is no good at word processin' and other fancy stuff like that
Oh ho, don't know what kind of modem this is, ooo-hoo,
But I know how many heads o' cow I got at home
Don't know how to clean a mouse,
But I can sure clean a henhouse!
Shouldn't let a hick near the computer
Shouldn't let a hick anywhere near your keyboard
Hicks belong with the barn on the farm,
Takin' care of the animals
An' a mouse is made o'—
Stuff that's not fur an' tails an' heads an' ears an' hooves
And stuff that hicks love!
And we don't need to feed this mouse none
It's made o' plastic and all!
Hicks don't belong by computer
The monitor's so big, it'll give 'em a headache
This mouse needs like a henhouse
But this ol' hick, he don't know how to clean nothin' with a computer!
The mousepad ain't much like a, ain't much like a—
Ain't like my barn at all!
There's a pond on my property, but that's far away now
I gotta play with the data, an' the...
The printer's mean to me
It sounds kinda like my pig
I miss my animals
Why you make me do this... stuff on the computer?
I miss my barn, my henhouse, and such
Ohhh-ho, don't make the hicks use computers
It's part of the Rural Urbanization Program—
Program!? *sob sob sob*


30. Them Pigs is Angry at You 8/20

Them pigs is angry at you
Them pigs is angry at you
You wouldn't cut 'em up for bacon
You keep 'em as a pet
You call 'em potbellied pigs
You say, "Oh, they're so cute!"
They is mad at you
You need to cut 'em for the bacon
Gotta pickle their hooves so that man in North Carolina
Who's wandering around the streets in Wilmington right now,
Asking for pickled pig hooves, won't be upset
And you know who else is upset?
The pigs!
They is mad at you
You've gotta cut 'em up for bacon
You can't call 'em a pet no more!
You've gotta cut 'em up or they'll be mad at you forever
Oh, you've cut up them pigs
Or they'll be mad at you all their lives
They need to die
That is their job on the farm
And my job used to be to kill 'em, but now them RUP robots do it
You've gotta get them pigs all killed and dead, so they'll be good bacon
They don't wanna live none no more
It's their job to die
Used to be my job to do the killin' on Henderson ranch
But now them pigs are gettin' big and the... robots...
The robots are gonna be dead too


31. Waitin' in Line for the Outhouse 9/3

Ohhh
I was usin' hay instead of the toilet paper
We don't have modern plumbing in the farmhouse on the ranch
We gotta use the outhouse on the farm
We gotta stand in line,
The big ol' line o' cows an' hogs an' chickens an' them goats
They're all lined up outside o' the outhouse on the farm
I can't count none,
But I know that the whole herd's in front of me in this queue
I've been waitin',
Waitin' in line,
Waitin' in line outside of the farmhouse's outhouse
I gotta go real bad
I been hoppin' on one boot for quite some time now
Lots of chickens just gave their spots in line
They went back to the coop
They're just gonna take their poop there
Just like a real animal should
I'm not done singin' 'bout poop! Oh well


32. Cereal 10/8

I'm talkin' 'bout cereal
And I'm not talkin' 'bout television
When they say you should eat your Wheaties,
They aren't saying that just for the Kix—get it?
And I'm jumpin' through them Fruit Loops
And I always say "Cheerio" to the Englishmen there
And I'm eatin' breakfast with a big Quaker guy in a silly hat
I'm singin' 'bout cereal
Not talkin' 'bout television
What kind of cereal can I think of right off the top of my head?
In a Cocoa Puff of smoke, the idea arrives to me, and I say...
Uhhh, Malt-O-Meal, uh, doesn't have to do with a milkshake
There's not really malt in it, as far as I can tell
And Raisin Bran has a nerve
Calling itself anything short of a Golden Graham filled with cardboard
Singin' 'bout cereal
And I don't mean television none
I love them cereals
I grow 'em on my farm
I grow a cereal
I'm a cereal farmer
I love that cereal
I eat my oatmeal everyday with a bit o' grits and a bit o' bacon
Bacon, mind you, it ain't a cereal none, though it comes from the farm too
It comes right from this farm
I'm not talkin' 'bout television—what's that?
Sounds like a mean RUP man scheme
That's going to take over the whole damn rural community
And all my quilt-making friends'll be really angry
And the pigs'll squeal
This song it ain't about no bacon no RUP-man television things
It's all about the cereals that we love
I was there when they invented Rice Krispies
And it snapped, crackled, and popped
And we were so scared o' it, me and my hick friends!!