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Soggy Pants & Diaper Swing: Lyrics

1. SLC Olympics
Salt Lake City, Utah is the home of the ancient Olympics
Put there by Moses, in the 14th Century, the Mormons have turned the Olympics into the biggest money-making event on earth or sea.
The favorite event of the Olympics is the one where Ted Danson is repeatedly kicked in the groin until he secretes milk from his rear.
Last year the Cuban team won the event and France came in second place.
God picked his nose with an ostrich
One of the fringe benefits of being the creator

2. Practice Exam
What kind of magic trees 
Live in the woods out back
What kind of evil bees 
Are gonna steal my snack
Money funny gimmie some honey
I have ten eyes and I hop like a bunny
One two five six
I lost my mind but I found some sticks
What kind of chocolate ants 
Are gonna pull down my pants
What kind of apple pie 
Am I gonna stand on when I die
Let's go jumping of the cliff today
Let's have a party and fun
Let's eat rocks and let's eat hay
Let's eat bombs and a gun
What kind of high-tech doorknob
Did I build on my rocket
What kind of square banana
Can I fit in my pocket
Oh yeah I got a big face on my head
Oh yeah let's have a party
Let's eat guns and let's eat people
Let's eat rocks and a food

3. Piss Out Fire
I pissed my pants on purpose
Because my pants are on fire
I pissed my pants to put out the fire on my pants
My pants are on fire and I pissed them out
Out! Put out my pants!...
With my urine

4. Sword of Wonder
Sword of wonder
Sword of night
Descending and casting the spell of delight
We are the warriors of pleasure and mirth
Winged creatures inhabiting earth
Soaring like a bald eagle, we raise our swords high
Such noble beasts can never die
And down from the mountain, now he comes with such glee
The forever we seek is bliss for us three
The three swords of power... and delight... and mirth!

5. Nice Fresh Meat
Nice and clean and fresh, it's hamburger meat

6. Soup is Round
more improvisation

7. Go-go Gadget Breast Implants
Frogs don't like to eat bean burritos
This is a problem I can surely correct
But if we are going deaf just for fun
It's time to say the words "darn it" and "heck"
Porpoises and hobos march in a parade
You prefer Lysol but I prefer Glade

8. Cancer Calliope
improvised song about having cancer

9. Domino's Pizza 
"Welcome to Domino's Pizza! Our special today is the meal deal: two medium one-topping pizzas, an order of our twisty breadsticks, and four cans of pop, for only fourteen ninety-nine! Please hold for the next available team member!"
"Thank you for waiting. A team member should be with you shortly."
"Thank you for calling Domino's. Can I start off with your phone number?"
"Olson 202?"
"Okay what can I get for you?"
"I would like a 55-inch pizza with rocks, PVC, uh, broccoli, and extra rubber"
"Any cans of Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew or 7-Up?"
"All right, the total comes to $9.17"
"All right, we'll be there in fifteen minutes!"

10. Mongoloid
originally recorded by Devo

11. Burp Wrangler
A snake is made of spit and corrugated cardboard
Combined in an experiment by Jesus gone horribly wrong
When he created the earth, sea and sky
Jesus also created the werewolf and dracula
A peculiar decision, and, some may say, a miscalculation to this very day
Now we have to live with it
But none of that is nearly as bad as the movie Titanic

12. Poor Poor Ulysses
George Jetson had a hernia in his left boob
But Judy didn't spot it cuz Astro was nude
Chewing gum slobber shot out from the sun
You put a damn hot dog onto that bun
Why did we find a swordfish in our hamburger meat
Solid waste teaspoons were some kind of treat
In the 1940's, we went poo on the boat
And dad put the cat's hairball in our root-beer float
I weigh 18 pounds more than you do
I eat a fruit salad that's covered in Elmer's Glue

13. Underwear Magician
He's an underwear magician
Underwear magician
He can save us all from our underwear condition
Underwear magician tell me
My underwear solution
Underwear magician
I need your magic
But there's only one way to rock
Yeah guitar
He's an underwear magician
Solving underwear problems
Solving lots of problems
In my underpants
Underwear magician
Help me today
Underwear magician
It's urgent
He's an underwear magician
Underwear magician

14. Smashey Statey
Where's your goddamn mohawk?
Where are your spikes?
Where is your punk? Fucker?
Anarchy shirts are the rule of the day
They tell Ronald Reagan he must go away
Smashing the state in the dark of the night
Spray painting, moshing and starting a fight!

15. Sierra Club Enema
some improvised nonsense (instead of lyrics)

16. Toilet Flusher
Space, time
Lemon, lime
Oh my, what is two plus five
It's "you're dead," buddy
Explosion a cardboard box full of poisonous mice
A lethal soup of burning flames of doom
Delivered straight to your mind
Pop it open and see the blind
Machine that killed your soul
You like candy--that's dandy
The first one to tickle the
Orange feet of the king
Will be saved
Listen to the snapping
Of the broccoli band
Take an arm
Take a hand

17. Rock Master X
I got a real freaky soul
And I'm living in a hole
Watch me lose control
Gimme my damn remote control
Boogie demon of the night
Force-field fire! Outta sight!
We know we're gonna rock it right!

18. Outer Space Disco Machine

19. Elf Meat
Arms started growing out of an elf's groin
He had a dollar, we had a coin
A mirror revealed that we lied to ourselves
And it showed that pants are never worn by elves
The moon shone on the mystery and clocked our behinds
Dad figured out we must be out of our minds
Next time you try to eat some meat on a stick
Just remember elves always make you feel sick

20. Advice
Take a lesson from a cornwasher, son
Yeah take it from me, you can never have too much fun
I got a piece of blood
How do you like my cape
I got a piece of blood
How did you find my grape
Learn your lesson, boy
Kids today just don't know a good deal when they see it
You gotta learn the value of a dollar

21. Beard Wagon
Octagons bursting out of the dark
Poop flying space towards Noah's Ark
Mucho confusion not good for the soul
Dumb hockey player score winning goal!

22. Plutonium Paradise

23. Mork Meat
I just put on my shirt and my suit
I guess that's a steak but it tastes like a fruit
A pound of beef or six tons of pork
Meat is meat and Mork's from Ork
4th of July, Boulder, C-O
Down from the sky, suspenders rainbow
Mindy smoked opium and Dad ate a frog
Was that Spacely Sprockets? or was it Cogswell Cogs?

24. Crass Album
My birthday present this year was a Crass album covered in insect legs
They said it was anti-vegetarian, so I protested it
I told my dad to not feed the cat no meat
Now things are better around the house

25. Anti-Establishment Computer Commercial
Dennis Hopper's anti-establishment computer commercial
Is his most radical move since Easy Rider
The 60's spirit of rebellion is alive and well
I wish Abbie Hoffman were alive to endorse General Motors

26. Put Chocolate on My Grave
improvised vocals

27. Life Decisions
How many carrots can I fit in my shoe
How many parrots can I cook in my stew
Takin' a ride on an alphabet stand
Gimmie a box of bones and a rotten red pear
I've got shoes and a big piece of mud
But someone knocked me out and stole my underwear
I got no reason to eat my own head
I guess I might as well eat bread
It would be nice to have a sword to kill you
Stop stealin' my fingers while I'm not lookin'
I'm gonna buy things to kill people
Then I'm gonna go home and get back to cookin'
I got no reason to sit on a bear
I guess I might as well sit on a chair
I'd like to walk to the lake
But someone stole my leg while I was a cake
How many fingers can I fit in my eye
How many singers can I cook in my pie
How many heads can I fit in my box
How many threads can I count in my socks

28. Triple Unicorn Vomit
What is the formula for a unicorn's barf?
Go out in the cold but don't wear a scarf
Add 14 cue balls and orbit the earth
Why is my soop spoon? What is it worth?
I'm not wearing t-shirts
I'm not wearing hat
I put on the suitcase
You sit on the rat
What are you waiting for, the end of the world?
Why not put a glue gun on the butt of the world?
It's easy to live like a jerk if you try
It's easy to drown in the blink of an eye

29. Cowboy with a Lightning Rod
Cowboy with a lightning rod in his pants
It might sound absurd but give it half a chance
When the lightning srikes, you know just where I'll be
In the restroom trying to pee
Cowboy with a toupée stuck on his head
Cowboy with a toupée for his chest
When you look for me at the liquor store
I'll tell you where I'll be, I gotta purchase some more
Cowboy with Now and Laters in his breast pocket
A cowboy with a toupee made out of licorice
And nose hairs made out of jelly beans
You know what I mean
Cowboy with a lightning rod

30. Mustard Clocks
more improvised (about mustard)

31. Delicious Diaper Meat
Every time I pee my pants, I pretend I'm Joan of Arc
I just want to get wasted and pass out in the park
Is it really too much to ask to wear a hat upon my head?
I'm sorry for the confusion, but your dad is Mr. Ed
We wrangled up them doggies and we ate a wheel of cheese
Everyone teased Tiny because he sounded like a girl when he sneezed
Beneath the sacred altar, we found a dirty diaper
My daughter got the diaper rash because I forgot to wipe her
A town in northern Utah is jealous of the sun
You ought to know you can't eat a taco on a bun
There's violins playin' softly for the fallen and the dead
Now get off your ass and put a banjo on your head

32. The Train of Death
Ha ha
You die
Ha ha
I win
Ha ha
Ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

33. Bilbo Baggins' Headache Remedy
Improvised again--pretty obvious, I guess

34. The Expanse
I once saw a great majestic horse
Riding along a huge expanse of liquid circles
Behind the horse a man was walking
With his hands in the air
He caught up to the horse
Which changed into a giant tree
The tree picked up the man
Who then changed into a stone
The tree threw the stone across the expanse
The stone returned with a piece of toast
The toast turned into a horse and said,
"I am the great one"

35. Skinny Ploppy
Improvised poop about dance music

© 1947 Soggy Pants & Diaper Swing except "Mongoloid" © 2054 Devo